It starts with "well you look good". Meaning, if you don't look sick you aren't sick and if you aren't sick then you should be at work and taking care of the house, and your kids, and your husband and yourself. Good heavens take care of yourself because if not your husband will leave you! And, any good mother should be able to keep with their kids. Wait a minute! I'M SICK, S.I.C.K. SICK. DID YOU NOT HEAR ME WHEN I SAID I'M SICK?? SICK.
Why do I feel I have to justify myself? Why do I feel guilty when I can't cook dinner? why do I feel guilty when I can't play a board game with my kid or take them to the movies? or when I sometimes can't even get up from bed and join my family in the living room? Why do I feel like a fraud becuase people tell me "well you look good" and I end up questioning myself and listing the many reasons why I'm NOT okay? the many medications I take to "look good", the searing pain that I live with even when "I look good".
The pain. The pain is always there. It is so constant and so much a part of everyday life that I check-in and "oh, yep its still there" after all it wouldn't be Monday if the pain wasn't there; or Tuesday; or Saturday; or 8:00 am; or 5:00 pm. Take your pick and body part, the pain is there. The worst pain right now is from the migraines. At last count I have been having 24 migraines days in a month. I have to admit there have been days that I have wished for a bottle of Vicodin so I could take 3 or 4 and let it take me into sweet oblivion. Alas, I'm allergic and that would only result in rebound headaches. After 8 days in a row I went to the emergency room so I could obtain a few hours of relief until I could get to my Neurologist's office to get a nerve block. The nerve block will last about a week and that will get me until an appointment to Cleveland Clinic. Hopefully the Neurologist at Cleveland Clinic can make some recommendations or shed some light towards some new treatment or explanation that may offer some lasting relief. HOPEFULLY..... MAYBE....
I also have arthritis pain. The worst of it is in my spine. Mostly because my Rheumy has put me on Methotrexate and has slowly adjusted the dose to where my hands and knees hardly hurt. We're still adjusting for my spine. In the meantime, it locks up and movement becomes limited. The bone if the spine itself has become softened, calcified and is slowly degenerating. The methotrexate is supposed to slow the progression of the Degenerative Disc Disease or Osteoarthritis. Yeah, usually it is found in old people (no offense to any old people :) and at 34 I have the spine of and old people! Woohoo, just imagine what I have to look forward to!
Does it sound like I'm okay just becuase I manage to tie my hair into a ponytail, wear clean clothes, (becuase my husband does the laundry and I take a whole day and sometimes two to fold it) and maybe put some eyeliner on?
No comments:
Post a Comment