Parenting

Parenting while have a chronic illness is difficult. Extremely difficult. Parenting with several chronic illnesses can be harder yet. Add to that chronic joint pain in the spine, hands and knees which affect mobility on a daily basis and activities of daily living. Add to that chronic, debilitating daily migraine pain, 24 days out of the month. The remaining days are spent in recovery from a migraine which I suspect might feel similar to what getting run over by a Mack truck might feel like (just a little sensory image). Hardly feels like you're alive, its just one blurred pain filled day after the other. Sometimes it feels like I am just an observer in my kids lives because I'm limited in how invested and alert I can be from day-to-day. I'm limited in what activites I can participate in. Frankly, there are also some activities I just don't want to participate in (FOOTBALL!!! BASEBALL!!!) because I have NEVER EVER in my entire life been a sports oriented person, nor do I want to start now. But, if they want me to take them somewhere I may not be able to because the migraine auras impede me from driving. Being out in the sun during one of the baseball games (love the kids, hate the sports) will trigger days of excruciating pain. I am forced to choose, avoid the trigger and disappoint them now by staying home, or go to the game and disappoint them later when I'm in pain and can't spend time with them?

Despite this aching in my heart to want to do more and be more for them, I know that they are good, honest, respectful, considerate, and educated men. I also know that because of their care of me they have developed a sensitivity towards women, towards those who are ailing, and those who need help in general. I know that mine is really an unfounded guilt. One thing I can know for sure is that, sick or not, I have always been with my boys. They know this and I see the fruits of my commitment (not labor) everyday in their smiles and laughs and yes, even when they're oppositional because they can see me hurting and that can make them hurt too.

Sometimes I see parents that outwardly look "just right": kids get home and do homework right away, have structured play time, take a bath, dinner, together time, bed by 8 or 9, weekend have sports and play-dates, then to grandma's. It makes me think that something is not right. Maybe I'm just jaded, but anyone with emotions and the ability to think for themselves would not fit in the cookie-cutter mold; it's just not humanly possibly. So, why do people try so hard to put on that appearance? Why do they try so hard to make it seem that their life is so perfect? What's worse, they may believe their own story while the world reads right through them. After all, kids throw tantrums, people drown in debt, parents can be alcoholics, just as, parents can get very sick. What matters is not the outwards appearance, anyone can see right through that, what matters is the level of commitment felt in your heart and expressed in your deeds, such as being there everyday weekends included!