Sadly, I haven't been able to write for a few days. I've needed to but just haven't been able to. These days it just seems as if nothing is going right and as if nothing I do helps.
First my wrist. It's not broken and apparently the ligament is not torn. Yay me...That's as far as any good news is going to go. I went to the Ortho the Urgent Care referred me to, and their x-ray's were much clearer. The diagnosed De Quervain's, fancy name for tendonitis. After asking the routine, do you type a lot? do you have toddlers? because that is the population the most see it in, I made it easy for them and said "I have EDS, this is just par for the course". We agreed on a steroid shot in the tendon after explaining that this would be my 3rd shot in my right wrist, and 1 in my left left wrist in the last 3 years, upon hearing that he suggested that we talk surgery at the follow up appointment. SURGERY?! REALLY?! I'm not ready to talk surgery, I haven't gotten over the last one! UGGGGGGHHHHH!!! AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!
It's been 4 days since my steroid shot and I'm feeling MORE pain that BEFORE the shot! I've never had this much pain after a steroid shot to the wrist. I didn't even have pain when I hurt myself in the first place! Well, tomorrow I have an appointment scheduled with the pain management specialist at CAST. Fortunately, he can treat tendonitis, as well as, bursitis and migraines! I have planned a few topics for discussion: bursitis and possible chronic dislocation, any testing that could be done to detect this (such as wear on the joints) and whether there might be a sling I can wear on busy days or at night; facet injections for neck/shoulder pain; migraines and occipital/trapezium injections and how long it would take to get in to actually see him for these when I'm status migranosus; and of course, treating my biggest current concern, the tendonitis! I don't see why they wouldn't be able to do another shot right then, they also have x-ray there so they could take another look. I would definitely trust them to give me an unbiased opinion on whether surgery is really needed, and trust their referral to be the best possible, since they don't do any work on hands themselves.
It's been hard to get anything done with the wrist splint and the added pain. I can't write, hold a utensil to eat, forget driving...it's sooo freaking painful! I drop everything! I go to grab my phone and I hit and drop the phone, the remote, the Ipod, the water bottle and anything else that's nearby...stupid left hand! And don't get me started on doing my hair! MY HAIR! I can't even tie a ponytail because I can't twist my hand!
My son has also been going through a crisis period with his Bipolar Disorder. During his last doctor visit we decided that adding a morning dose of Seroquel might help keep his mood more stable. He did well on the samples so we decided to get the script; the insurance company denied the coverage. Since then, about 3 weeks, he has been having mood swings and violent rages. He was in partial hospitalization all last week, but was discharged this week because he had to visit his paternal family. I know he doesn't like being out-of-control, and it hurts me to see him like this. It is a daily struggle with him, a very exhausting day-in-day-out, because every little things is like going into combat! Asking him today to put away the dishes that yesterday he put away with no trouble or argument, could result in harsh words, yelling, and broken dishes. Perceived wrongs result in threats. And my heart breaks a little more each day because I worry about his future, his safety and the safety of everybody in the house. He's supposed to start school 2 days after he returns from his trip. He'll also have a follow up scheduled with his doctor and therapist. We all know he may need to go back to partial hospitalization...but at least there is a plan in place for his return.
So this past week, when I didn't write...I was physically, emotionally and mentally spent. Having my wrist in a splint and hurting is exhausting and so limiting. Helping my boys pack for their trip did not help. Worrying about my boys just spent me because I tried and tried and tried to figure out how to postpone this vacation so my son could stay in treatment, but between airfare and a cruise it was economically impossible to change. Nevertheless, if he had to be hospitalized, I would let all the travel go in a second! And, I'm sooooo emotionally spent. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I cried because I felt powerless, becuase I felt helpless, becuase I felt frustrated. I cried becuase I didn't know what else to do but cry, because I can't always keep it together, because I don't always have the answers. I cried because it's all just too much for me so I surrendered...
...I cried remembering to just let go and let God. To just let things unravel trusting that God's plan for all of us is in place, that everything is as it should be, and that everything will be alright, and He has us all in His hand...
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