Guilt, worthlessness and hope

So what has been going on...feelings guilt and worthlessness. I feel guilty because I'm not working and I see Mark get up everyday and go to work. And I see the boys wake up early and go to school. Meanwhile I stay home. I realize lots of stay-at-home mothers do this, but these families have chosen to have stay-at-home mothers and its usually when the children are young, not when they are 15 and 17.

!feel guilty because I can't even keep up with the house work most of the time, or even with the cooking. The boys help me a lot with that. I feel guilty because I've gotten an expensive education and I'm not really making use of it. I feel guilty because I had a good career and I feel it slipping it through my hands but I can't reach out and grab it. I feel guilty and worthless when I can't drive Jan to band practice and can't drive myself around because of the migraine auras. I feel worthless on days when I think of going back to work, or cleaning and cooking and know that I can't because something or everything hurts. I feel guilty because I'm depressed. 

I feel a little less guilty when I'm able to cook a nice meal for Mark. I feel a little less worthless when I'm able to clean at least one room in the house, or fold the laundry. I feel a little less worthless when I'm able to put on some eyeliner and lipstick because my depression isn't as crippling that day.

I was recently told that I need to engage in some type of creative activity because I have too much "stagnated trauma". She doesn't know the half of it! I was told that I need to "act as if" to help my depression lift. I'm not adverse to trying creative outlets but planning attending an activity can be difficult. The boys can't be left alone together in the house and I can't always drive.

Then I started thinking about what activity I would like to do, what it is that I would really enjoy doing if I were going to commit to something. I wouldn't mind taking an art class. I also know of cake decorating classes nearby, even if I never decorate a cake in my life. But what I would really truly want to do, is take a creative writing class! That would truly give flight to my spirit and open windows into my soul.

I feel guilty that I want to take a writing class, or an art class, or cake decorating class. I feel worthless that with my level education that is what I have been reduced to.

But giving flight to my spirit.......it almost gives me hope.