I seem to be in a limbo of sorts. I kind of waiting game right now. Maybe this is part of the stillness I'm supposed to be in, part of the trust in God I'm supposed to experience. Some of the things I'm waiting for are the disability process to take place, to meet the disability lawyer, for the first disability approval/denial letter, the first appeal, the second appeal. Hopefully, I don't have to go through all of that and the Universe has already conspired so that it is approved of in the first instance. Being sick is extremely expensive. Thankfully, my family has been blessed and we have been able to manage so far.
I'm also waiting for the appointment with the geneticist. I have mixed feelings about that appointment. I'm ambivalent with a little tinge of avoidance, but truthfully, I'm scared. I'm scared because all my my hopes are riding on him, on this appointment. No one wants to be diagnosed with a painful illness with no cure and virtually no treatment. I certainly don't. But anyone would want to know the name and face of what has been hurting them for so long. Once you know the name of your opponent it isn't as scary and healing can begin: physically, mentally and spiritually. However, if all my hopes are resting on this doctor and diagnosis, what will happen if its negative? At times, I feel like I don't want to see the doctor because it will be final, I either have it or I don't. But while I'm in the limbo there's the possibility that my joint pain, my headaches, my stomach problems could be caused by this mystery syndrome and there's a certain hope in that state of uncertainty. Of course I am going to my appointment, I need and want to know one way or another. I have to admit, there is also a certain amount of hope and relief in looking forward to finally having a diagnosis. I'll cross the "what if" bridge if I get to it.
I also have to wait for my appointment to have a numbing treatment in my lower back. Unfortunately, the first series doesn't usually work so I have to have second series before I start getting relief. More waiting.
This creates more waiting regarding returning to work. That's a real quandary. I don't know what will happen there. I just graduated form a very expensive school, in the career I have always dreamed of, working with the population I want, immediately working at a good agency, with great supervisors. That is a very rare thing! Am I throwing all of that away? Could I work 1-2 hours a day and see what happens? What if I can't keep up? What about do no harm? I get exhausted just from going to the grocery store! It would be irresponsible of me to take clients on and have to leave them because I can't keep up. I've had 3 doctors and a doctor in physical therapy tell me I can't work and have to go on disability. I experience a great deal of anxiety thinking about how to solve this situation on my own, cognitively. I churn it, twist it, add it, subtract it, multiply and divide it and cannot see its answer from where I'm at right now. All I see is joint pain, back pain, fatigue, migraines, nausea, stomach pain, juggling doctors appointments, therapy appointments, pills, pills and more pills. I don't see a clear solution. I think this is one I have to place in the hands of my Higher Power and trust that he will make the path clear in a manner that will be best for all in involved.
I am fortunate as my husband has been extremely supportive and has not added pressure related to getting back to work, getting a diagnosis, medical bills, housework, dishes, dinner or our weed infested yard. It can always be done tomorrow or doesn't need to be done at all. He encourages me to take a break, reminds me of things often because he knows that I'll forget and even does the grocery shopping because I can't.
In this time of stillness, this limbo, I continue to seek peace and listen for answers.
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