I've written about my faith in the past. I've been relying on it a lot lately and have been letting myself be guided by it. Maybe because I'm exhausted of hitting dead-ends, maybe because I have to believe there is something more, maybe because I just need to be believe in something. No matter what the reason, I've allowed a complete surrender of myself and my fate. I've allowed a complete breakdown of my walls come what may. Sometimes that breakdown comes with tears while on my knees. Sometimes it comes in the form of a conversation with a higher power, with God, as I'm driving my car. It doesn't matter how it comes, I just let it flow and trust that I will be taken care of no matter what my fate is, and that I will be directed in whatever my path should be. I should just be still.
Ironically, or maybe purposefully, in this stillness I have had two breakthroughs. They may be minor to the external world but they are satisfying and validating to my internal world. They give me hope and peace and they allow me even more stillness. They show me how I'm being taken care of by The Force, The Universe, My God while all I am doing is taking the time to take care of me, being still and looking to be at peace.
The first came when my therapist stated that she believed my symptoms were not psychosomatic. She stated that she "truly believed" they were organic in nature. She also believed the manifestation of depression was dual in nature, partly organic, that is depression caused by whatever disease was causing the physical symptoms, and partly mood related, that is as a result of coping with the organic disease and chronic pain. This was huge! This was something I knew in my core to be true but could could never, in a million years, make anyone believe could be possible, let alone someone in the medical or allied fields. And now I find a person reflecting my inner thoughts and feelings without my having verbalized them! I felt like crying, screaming, jumping, shaking...but I had no words, I was frozen, paralyzed because I could not believe that someone understood. Someone...finally...began...to understand, to see through to my core. And I didn't have to say a single word.
The second breakthrough came while visiting my primary care doctor. It was actually a visit for my son but he looked over some records that had come in for me because he calls me "his special patient". He suddenly stopped and got the light bulb look in his eye. He asked me a few questions, had me do a couple of movements and tested the elasticity of my skin. He said "I think you have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I can't believe I missed it before. It explains every single stinking symptom you have from the headaches to the degeneration in your spine." He went on to state things like, "you hurt all the time and people thing you're just a whiner. You hurt and you don't know why you hurt. They tell you its just in your head, that you're just anxious and depressed which makes you anxious and depressed. Your stomach doesn't work right." He explained that EDS is a degenerative disorder in which the body stops producing protein and collagen necessary for the muscles and joints. Joints are extremely flexible and makes the prone to dislocations. They also pretty much hurt all the time for no reason, and they hurt a lot. He said "I would diagnose with EDS right now. You fit the criteria. I still want you to see a geneticist so he can confirm it." As terrible as the diagnosis is, it was still affirming. It was real. He believed me. And I never had to say a word. He externalized what I knew in my core to be true, and that felt good. It felt life-affirming....ironically, because EDS is not the diagnosis a person wants to hear.
However, having a name for what ails me gives it a face so I feel I can fight against it. I can treat it like the enemy, I can treat it like my new normal. There is a protocol for it versus shooting blind and seeing what sticks. But, it is early. In the meantime, I will continue to be still. I will continue to trust. I will continue to look for peace.
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