In preparation for surgery I decided to prepare my youngest son by processing any question, worries, anxiety or logistical concerns he might have. Because he has Asperger's I was ready for anything, because he also has Bipolar Disorder I was ready for anxiety to develop. So while we were out for a drive I approached the subject.
Mom: Do you have any questions for me about the surgery?
Ian: No.
Mom: Is there anything that worries you about the surgery?
Ian: No....well, are they going to break you again?
Mom: Break me again? what do you mean?
Ian: Like the last time. You went to the hospital, came back and then you didn't have a voice. Then you would have to come downstairs to remind me to take me medicines. Then you went back to the hospital.
Mom: Oh, so you're worried that I won't have a voice, or something else like that will happen and I'll have to go back to the hospital again?
Ian: Yes. I mean, Mark will be home to tell me to take my pills but....(going silent)
Mom: He's just not your mom.
Ian: Yes.
Mom: Well, last time the surgeon did his job right. He didn't break me. It just happened that they found something ELSE that needed fixing. So they helped mom! They fixed two things! That's what they're fixing now.
Ian: Oh, okay. But, if he breaks you, I'm going to have to punch him.
Mom: Okay. I guess that's fair. Deal.
His Asperger's brain is just so fun and interesting, I love it! He thought they broke me! But, he must have been feeling so scared this entire time that there was something broken, loose, maybe rattling inside of me. And he may have even been angry at the surgeon for doing something to his mom that left her different than she was before. He was scared about what was going to happen to him, who was going to take care of him with his mom broken.
Sometimes I'm scared too...okay a lot I'm scared too! I worry about having to take so many medicines and their side effects. I worry whether I will need more surgery and its complications, or conversely, whether I will need surgery and can't have it because my body won't be able to handle it, or there just won't be any pain medications available to treat me with. I worry whether my condition will cause me to deteriorate further and who will take care of my boys, are there any suitable candidates who will raise them the way I would? I worry about the cost of being sick.
I worry whether I will have the energy and strength to continue caring for Ian, managing his mood, taking him to his therapies and...OMG homework, what a nightmare!
It's too much worry to worry about it. I get whelmed and overwhelmed. I wouldn't even make it out of the bed in the morning! I think I'll just focus on the green and think about how much my boys make me laugh :))
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